Why I Love My Body
by NeuroticFiction
Summary: (Dadsona:trans-man. Name:Riley) Set during your 3rd date with Joseph. You think he is the one you waited for, but he doesn't understand your body. He doesn't understand why you kept it the way you did if you are a man. This is your body. This is your story.


Joseph grabs me by the shirt and pulls me into a kiss. His lips are soft and sweet from the wine, and his skin is still warm from the sun.

I reach for his belt and pull him even closer, running my free hand under his shirt and up his side.

He pushes me against the boat's console, kissing down my neck.

"C'mon," His hands drift to my thighs and he effortlessly picks me up.

Wow.

Joseph carries me below deck, and I kiss his shoulders and neck until we reached the bed. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized about this, but I didn't think he'd be so…aggressive.

"I've wanted this for so long," he throws me onto the bed. I let out a little yelp.

I pull him down with me, moving my mouth hungrily with his, tangling my fingers into his golden hair.

"Lots of time to kill, Riley." Joseph breathes in my mouth. "We better get started."

I try to laugh, but eagerly fumble at his belt buckle. "Not _nearly_ enough time,"

After I untie the cardigan around his neck and throw his shirt across the room, he pushes me back down, now peeling my shirt off over my head.

I wait for a few seconds with my eyes closed, impatient to find out what he was going to do next.

But there was nothing.

I opened my eyes.

Joseph is gazing at my chest – or rather, the binder that is covering my chest.

There was silence for much too long.

The heat from before had now been replaced with a different kind of heat – panic.

I thought he knew.

"You're a woman,"

…no…not him.

"Thank God," he sighed, and reached forward to kiss me again.

Without hesitation, I pushed him back with as much force as my anger could muster.

My eyes started filling with tears.

Now, this man who I couldn't wait to spend this night with, was a total stranger in my eyes.

I snatched my shirt and leapt from the bed, sprinting as fast as I could back upstairs.

"Riley!" Joseph called.

It was made worse when I remembered we were in the middle of nowhere. Therefore, I had no way of escaping this hell I had lived too many times.

I'll swim back if I must.

There was no controlling my tears anymore. I let myself cry as I put my shirt back on – no matter how much of a 'woman' it made me seem.

"Riley, I'm–" his hand caught my shoulder.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!" I screamed, smacking his hand away from me. I had always been careful with my swearing around Joseph, but what was the point now?

I stared at him, hoping to somehow telepathically make him understand my pain.

"Thank God I'm a woman?!" I quoted him. "What? Me being born with breasts and a vagina makes you even more attracted to me?"

"I…Riley, help me understand."

"This," I gestured to my chest. "Doesn't mean 'woman'. Having a vagina doesn't mean 'woman'. I have been a 'real' man the entire time I have known you! I have been a man since the day I knew I wasn't really a girl. I have been a man despite doctors and ministers saying otherwise my entire life.  
Why is it so different now you know what I look like underneath all this? Why is it… _better?"_ I spat out the last word.

Joseph opened his mouth a few times, struggling to find the right answer to something he didn't know the first thing about. He had never lived in my body. He has no right to say what a relief it is to not be sleeping with a 'real man'.

"Because I don't…it isn't…sleeping with men isn't what I…"

"What about Robert? Would it have been the same if _he_ had different genitals? Would you have left Mary sooner then?"

"That–" he yelled, raising his finger threateningly. "That is _not_ for you to talk about!"

"Well I guess we're both pretty disappointed in each other, huh?"

Joseph hung his head back, linking his hands behind his head and pacing. I couldn't tell whether his face said he was still hurt by what I had said, or him trying to put the pieces together of what I was trying to tell him.

Probably both.

"Then why…" he stuttered, clearly afraid to hurt my feelings again. "Why do you keep them? Your…parts?"

I was still furious at Joseph, but not at his question. I wasn't uncomfortable explaining to people who were just genuinely curious about why I keep my body this way. Usually I just answered their questions, and they would move on with their lives.

"I was going to," I wasn't yelling anymore. "But then I got pregnant with the most incredible human in existence. For the first time I loved my body, because it gave my daughter life.  
For a while after that, my husband and I were debating whether we should have another kid or not, so I let it be.  
But we never even had a chance to try for a second child, because he…because Amanda lost a dad, and I lost my husband.  
But even after that…I kept putting off surgery. I'm probably too old to carry a child now, but I keep this body as a reminder of the world I created, and how I would never _ever_ take a second of it back.  
Joseph, I love my body and everything it has gone through. It's _my_ body, and breasts or vagina or whatever, I know I am still a man, a husband, and a father.  
You don't get to call it anything else. _No one_ gets to call it anything else."

Joseph gazed down, as if he was trying to find the right words to say in the hardwood floor we were standing on.

We stood there in silence for so long that the sun had completely set, and we could barely see each other in the light of the dim lamp.

Finally, Joseph looked at me again. "Riley, I'm sorry. Things like this – gay people, transgendered people – it…it's still something I'm getting used to. I've had a lot of brick walls built around me in my life. I'm used to being a good Christian, but I'm still learning how to be a good person."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be angry with him about that.

But I was still hurt.

Joseph wasn't the one for me.

At least for now.

"I want to go home now," I said.


End file.
